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# The first question to ask in a flare
- URL: https://www.mikebakerhq.com/endometriosis/the-first-question-to-ask-in-a-flare/
- Published: 2026-10-15T14:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-15T14:00:00.000Z
- Description: And why the plan has to be made on a good day.
- Author: Mike Baker
- Tags: EndoDad Letter, Endometriosis

Hi,

I'm a fixer. For years, when Kellie was hurting, I went looking for the thing everybody else had missed. Twelve browser tabs open, a doctor in another state, a supplement a stranger swore by.

It felt productive. Mostly it was easier than admitting I was scared. This week is about what helps instead.

### One thing to use

Make a flare plan, and make it on a good day. The middle of a flare is the worst time to work out what helps.

Write down what works for you: heat, the medication your clinician has you on, the food that stays down, the clothes that don't press on anything. Then write down what doesn't help, and what you want someone else to take over when you're hurting.

Put it somewhere both of you can find it. The [Pain Flare-Up Plan](https://www.mikebakerhq.com/assets/downloads/07-pain-flare-up-plan.pdf) is free, and you can fill it in together.

### One thing worth knowing

Living with this for years can make everyone used to seeing you hurt, including you. That's how a new problem gets filed under "just endo" when it's something else.

These are signs to get prompt medical care, not wait it out: pain that's suddenly worse or feels different from your usual, fainting or real dizziness, fever, repeated vomiting, trouble passing urine, or very heavy bleeding with dizziness, a racing heart, or shortness of breath. So is significant pelvic pain when you could be pregnant.

Endometriosis doesn't protect you from appendicitis or an ovarian problem. If something feels wrong, trust that.

### Pass this on

*Forward this part to whoever is home with you on the bad days.*

Ask one question first: "Is this your usual bad, or does something feel different?" If it's usual, follow the plan she made. If it's different, believe her and get care.

Then reduce her decisions. Handle dinner, the kids, whatever you agreed. Ask "help, company, or space?" and take the answer without making it mean something about you.

The full guide is [What to Do When She's Having an Endometriosis Flare](https://www.mikebakerhq.com/writing/endometriosis-flare-what-to-do/).

**Next week:** your timeline, in dates, and why it changes the appointment.

*Believe her the first time.*

Mike

*Nothing in this letter is medical advice. If symptoms are severe, new, or feel unsafe, contact a clinician or emergency services.*

*Sources: NHS, Pelvic pain (urgent and emergency warning signs). ACOG, Heavy Menstrual Bleeding and Abnormal Uterine Bleeding. Both as cited on mikebakerhq.com's flare guide.*